It starts with a feeling in your chest. Maybe it’s a flutter, a spark, or that “can’t-eat-can’t-sleep” energy we see in every Hollywood rom-com from New York to Los Angeles.
But how do you know if that feeling is sustainable?
I remember sitting in my car outside a Target in suburban Ohio during a heavy snowstorm. The heater was blasting, smelling faintly of burnt dust, and I was gripping the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white. I was checking my phone every thirty seconds, waiting for a text back.
The windshield wipers were slapping back and forth—thwack, thwack—matching the anxious rhythm of my heart. At that moment, I told myself, “This intensity means I really love them.”
It took me years of therapy and self-work to realize that the tight feeling in my chest wasn’t love. It was anxiety. It was insecurity masquerading as passion.
If you are reading this wondering if your relationship is built on Healthy Love or just intense attachment, you are not alone. Let’s break down what real, secure connection actually looks like.
Healthy love is a secure emotional connection characterized by mutual respect, trust, and the ability to maintain individual identities while supporting one another’s growth. Unlike codependency, which relies on validation, healthy love feels safe, consistent, and peaceful rather than chaotic or urgent.
If you have grown up in a chaotic household or have a history of volatile relationships, Healthy Love can actually feel unsettlingly boring.
We are conditioned by American pop culture to believe that love must be a rollercoaster. We expect the dramatic chase, the rain-soaked apologies, and the high-stakes arguments.
When those highs and lows are missing, your nervous system might say, “Something is wrong. Where is the spark?”
In psychology, we often confuse “limerence” (an involuntary state of intense romantic desire) with love. Limerence is fueled by uncertainty. Real love is fueled by safety.
Common triggers that mimic love but are actually anxiety:
- Fear that they will leave if you make a mistake.
- Over-analyzing every text message or silence.
- Feeling like you need to “earn” their affection.
- The relationship feels like a drug—high highs and low lows.
Note: If peace feels like boredom to you, it doesn’t mean you aren’t in love. It might mean your nervous system is finally healing.
It can be incredibly difficult to spot the difference when you are in the thick of it.
Here is a comparative look to help you analyze your current dynamic.
Export to Sheets
| Feature | Healthy Love | Codependency / Unhealthy Attachment |
| Safety | You feel safe to be yourself, flaws and all. | You walk on eggshells to avoid conflict. |
| Boundaries | Boundaries are respected and encouraged. | Boundaries are viewed as a rejection or an insult. |
| Communication | Open, honest, and handles conflict without cruelty. | Passive-aggressive, silent treatment, or explosive arguing. |
| Individuality | “I have my life, you have yours, and we share a life.” | “We must do everything together; I am nothing without you.” |
| Energy | The relationship recharges you. | The relationship drains you. |
If you recognize yourself in the “Codependency” column, don’t panic.
Attachment styles are not a life sentence. You can move toward “Earned Secure Attachment” with practice. Here is how to start building that foundation today.
- Identify Your Triggers Notice when you go into “fight or flight” mode. Is it when they go out with friends? Is it when they don’t text back immediately? Write these down.
- Practice “The Pause” When you feel the urge to react (e.g., send a triple text or start an argument), pause for 10 minutes. Regulate your body temperature. Splash cold water on your face.
- Communicate Needs, Not Complaints Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel disconnected right now, and I would love to spend 20 minutes just talking to you.”
- Maintain Your Own “Garden” Keep your hobbies alive. In the US, we often glorify the “power couple” who does everything together, but healthy couples spend time apart. Go to that yoga class alone. Keep your Sunday brunch with friends.
- Stop “Mind Reading” Assume your partner has good intentions. If you are unsure about a tone of voice, ask for clarification rather than assuming they are angry.
- Normalize “Repair” Conflict is inevitable. The health of a relationship isn’t defined by the absence of fighting, but by the quality of the repair after the fight.
- Prioritize Self-Compassion You cannot pour from an empty cup. Treat yourself with the same kindness you try to give your partner.
This is a classic question people type into Google at 2 AM.
If you are used to the “shoe dropping”—waiting for the bad news—calmness feels suspicious. This is often a trauma response.
Your brain is scanning for a threat because it believes safety is temporary.
In these moments, try to ground yourself in the present. Look around the room. Name three things you see. Remind yourself: I am safe. I am in control. This is real.
Can you turn a toxic relationship into a healthy one? Sometimes. If both partners are willing to do the work, go to therapy, and change their behaviors, a relationship can heal. However, if only one person is trying, it is unlikely to change.
Is it normal to lose the “spark” after a few years? Yes. The “spark” is often just new relationship energy (NRE). Healthy Love evolves from that initial spark into a “slow burn”—a deep, comforting warmth that sustains a long-term partnership.
How does therapy help with attachment styles? Therapy, specifically modalities like CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) or EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), helps you rewire how your brain perceives safety and connection. It is very popular in the US healthcare system for treating relationship anxiety.
Building Healthy Love is not about finding a perfect person. It is about becoming a person who believes they are worthy of peace.
That night in the snowy parking lot in Ohio, I didn’t think I deserved anything better than anxiety. Today, I know that real love doesn’t hurt your stomach; it calms your soul.
Disclaimer: The content in this blog is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional psychological or medical advice. If you or someone you know is in crisis, please call or text 988 in the USA and Canada to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24/7.
Comments
debo comment
Loved this blog
this is a test comment
this is a test comment for auto approval
Post a Comment